


Her Light Through Fog and Shadow

by Borgupine



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anger, Chatting & Messaging, College Student Rey (Star Wars), Coma, Depression, Dick Pics, Drinking, Drug Dealing, Drunk Rey (Star Wars), F/M, Fist Fights, Horny, M/M, Masturbation, Modern AU, Moving In Together, Poetry, Reylo Modern AU, Romance, Roommates, Star Wars AU, Texting, poem
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-03 15:43:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21181919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Borgupine/pseuds/Borgupine
Summary: They might be separated by states, but Rey and Ben Solo have begun texting again, putting back together the broken pieces of their relationship after it all fell apart. For Rey and roommate Rose, things are looking up, but her heart still burns for Ben. Will she really let him back in after everything that happened? But Ben is slipping deeper into depression, flunking college and sinking into financial despair. With no other family, he's pinned all his hopes on Rey as he tries to turn his life around.





	1. Chapter 1

He’d left it too late to reply. An hour Ben had spent staring at the screen, writing response after response only to delete them and try again. It wasn’t that he didn’t have an answer, it was offering an answer that didn’t sound stupid.

_What were you most afraid of when you were a kid?_

It was such a simple question. They always were with Rey, that’s how she pulled out the deepest answers. She’d ask about his favourite foods and then he’d end up talking about the time his dad took him out for burgers when he’d actually remembered his birthday. That was just Rey’s way.

Ben let the screen dim and finally darken. His arm had grown tired holding the phone up in front of his face, so he let it fall and he lied like that for a while. It was a single bed, more a cot, and too small by half. He had to bring his knees up to his chest to even fit under the covers. The dorm room was cramped, smaller still with Rey’s question hanging in the air.

After a while drifting in and out of sleeping, Ben pulled on his headphones. There was a playlist he’d made for when he felt like fog, easily swept aside and insubstantial. He never bothered before, not until Rey, and now he found songs that remind him of her, and others comforting in their familiarity.

He listened until it felt as though the blood was flowing normally again, like he’d been set out to thaw, and then he left the dorm, leaving the headphones abandoned on the bed.

It was dark out with the orange globes of streetlights giving the mist a chalky quality. The mist was so fine he barely felt it on his face. As the wind picked up, his hair fell in front of his face. He didn’t know where he was walking, he never did. Hoping he’d run into Rey, somehow, wherever she was, and pretend it was an accident. Her profile said she was studying engineering. It didn’t say where and Ben couldn’t bring himself to ask. After the last time they’d seen one another, he didn’t think they’d ever start messaging again. Now he clung to every little question she asked, even if the answers still scared him.

The mist thickened as he walked, turning distant figures into dark blurry shapes. Ben buttoned his coat, turned up the collar and stuffed his hands into his pockets. It would have been smarter to turn back now, have a shower and turn in early for the night. But there was a reason he was flunking his literature classes. Being smart wasn’t his first instinct.

There was a coffee shop around the corner, open until late. Inside, Ben swept his hair aside and bought a cup of tea with the change he still had in his jeans. He hunched over the cup and watched the bag steep, turning the water a murky green. It tasted bitter but he drunk it anyway and made patterns on the table in spilt sugar.

When he left, the air was cold and clear as he breathed it in. He checked his phone. Nothing from Rey and he still couldn’t think of a good way to respond.

“Can I see your phone?”

Ben gripped it tighter and turned to look at the man who’d spoken to him. He was about a foot shorter in a knit hat and hoodie. There were three others behind him, half hidden in the mist.

“I was just leaving,” Ben replied.

“Hey, just need to call my folks, you know, let them know I’m alright.”

“I don’t have any minutes left.” Rey said he was a terrible liar.

The man came forward. The others closed in. “You didn’t hear me, huh? Said my folks are worried. Gotta let them know I’m good.”

One of these guys Ben could handle. Two maybe. More than that, he’d struggle, even if he did give as good as he got. But he wasn’t going to the hospital, not again.

“There’s a phone in the coffee shop—”

The man swiped for the phone. Ben stepped back. With a curse, the man took a swing with his fists. Ben dodged that too. Why couldn’t they leave him alone?

The others were running in now. A few seconds and they’d be on him. Ben formed a fist and hit the man in the jaw, knocking him to the floor. He pulled out the knife he kept in his coat pocket.

The other three hesitated. Ben twisted the blade, catching the streetlight. He held out his other hand, daring them to attack. One of them jerked forward. Ben stabbed the air. He spared a look for the one he’d knocked into the road. He wasn’t moving.

“Take your friend and go,” he said. _Please, just take him_. If he started, he didn’t know if he could stop. What was he doing still carrying a knife for anyway? Wasn’t that why Rey didn’t want to see him anymore. Well, that and…

One of the group checked on the unconscious one and helped him to his feet. Ben saw his opening and ran.

The other two chased after him. Their steps splashed on the wet pavement. He didn’t stop running until he knew he’d given them the slip and found a side street to catch his breath.

As he stood looking up at the silver-black sky, he counted backwards from one hundred, slowing his breathing and letting his anger fade. His teeth ached from clenching; his palms etched with red crescents. It helped. The counsellor had been right about that much. Before Ben had left.

He took a wide loop, making sure he’d avoid those guys, and giving him a chance to cross the bridge over the river. He stopped on the path as the occasional car passed. In his hands was the knife with the wooden handle and his initials carved into the blade. His dad had given him that when he’d turned thirteen. Said he was a man now and a man needed a knife. It was stupid. He didn’t feel much like a man, with or without a knife. And the last time Ben had seen his dad was in the hospital bed, after he’d put him there.

His initials felt strange under his thumb, the name like a self-fulfilling prophecy. No more living in the past. He tossed the knife into the river. The splash sounded distant, but Ben felt better.

From the bridge, he came across a park with a see saw, slide and swing set. It was empty and, save for one far-off streetlight, it was almost entirely obscured in shadow.

He sat on one of the swings and pulled out his phone. Even with the brightness turned all the way down, the little screen seemed to illuminate everything, filling his vision and beating back the gloom.

Another message from Rey: _Sorry, you don’t have to answer. It’s fine x _

No, Ben wanted to answer and now he knew how.

_The dark_, he wrote and pressed send.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After too many lattes and worrying about finals, Rey can't sleep. Fortunately, she's got Ben Solo to swap messages with. Only her roommate, Rose, keeps trying to get her to sleep.

Rey let out a shriek as a pillow landed on top of her. She sat upright, hands outstretched just like she was in her judo class.

“Rey, seriously. Go to sleep.” Rose didn’t sound like she was kidding around this time.

“Just five—”

“I’ve got another pillow.” How could she sound that stern while whispering?

Rey shuffled under the covers and finished off her message. Ben would only worry otherwise. Another pillow struck. It collapsed her little blanket fortress. “Okay, okay. I’m done.”

“You said the same thing an hour ago.”

After the glow of her phone, the dorm room looked much darker than it really was. She didn’t even realise Rose was next to her until she grabbed for the pillow. That put Rey back in Judo mode again. When did her nerves get so jangled? Probably the five lattes she’d had earlier, or the texts with Ben. That always got her jittery.

Rose whacked her with the pillow. Rey gave an exaggerated sigh, made a show of turning off the phone and stashed it in her bedside cabinet. Rose sat down beside her on the bed and ran a hand through Rey’s hair. She always knew what you need. Sometimes that was pillow to the head, sometimes a hand through the hair. And sometimes it was both.

“You need to sleep, hun.”

“I know, but it’s so hard.” She drew out that last word.

“Sleeping? Or the fact it’s finals tomorrow?”

“Yes,” Rey said. Rose didn’t even giggle and Rey had left her the opening and everything. “Both, well not sleeping makes finals worse. Then there’s Ben.”

Rose’s hand withdrew. “Get some sleep.” She crossed the room back to her own bed.

Rey should say something. Ask after Finn. They’d been so close and then after everything with Ben, all that kind of changed. Now it had been months since Rey had even seen him. He and Rose had been an item for a while, but now Finn was going steady with Poe. At least, that’s she’d heard. They’d agreed not to talk about boys anymore. It was easier that way. Just Rey, Rose, engineering, and the occasional night out when they could afford it.

The moment had passed. It would have been awkward to ask anything now. Besides, it sounded like Rose was already asleep again. That girl could sleep through an earthquake.

It was true, she was all tangled up over finals, but deep down she knew she’d ace it. She knew her stuff and studied hard. The lattes hadn’t helped, but they were just so sweet and silky. Really, she was all bent out of shape over Ben. The thought of seeing him again, it made her feel kind of high, like she was floating, but with panic hanging at the edges ready for her when she fell.

His last message had seemed so vulnerable, talking about being scared of the dark and hearing things breathing in his bedroom when he was a kid. Then things had turned dirty, like they almost always did. So to top it all off, she was horny too.

She turned over and squinted in the dark to see Rose. She made a cute little purr when she slept. Rey could stomp around the room and she probably wouldn’t even stir. But if she turned her phone on, Rose would start throwing pillows again.

Rey took the phone out, grabbed her dressing gown and left for the bathroom. There were a few people gathered in the corridor, and what sounded like a party somewhere. She smiled as she passed and, in the bathroom, she turned on her phone again.

Ben hadn’t sent another ten messages because she hadn’t replied. He was getting better at that. She kind of wished he had this time, his words were so sexy when he wanted to be. She read the naughty ones through again and pulled up her pyjama top. A quick selfie and she sent it off. Let him enjoy that.

With her phone switched off, she went back to her room where Rose was still snoring. Only Rey had forgotten to actually pee, so she went back. Since she was there any way, she checked her phone again. To be honest, she’d expected a dick pick. It wouldn’t have been the first time. Instead Ben had sent a poem. It was kind of beautiful. He was like Byron. That was about the only poet Rey had ever heard of and Ben had shown her. But his words put a tight coil in her chest, different to all the other worries there. This was a good feeling, magnetic.

She didn’t send anything back in case she ruined it. Let things stay like this for a little while.

When she was finally back in bed, Rey found she could slip off to sleep a little easier.

As she woke the next morning to Rose brewing coffee, she read Ben’s poem again and knew finals would be a breeze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm English and attended an English university, so my knowledge of US colleges comes entirely from film and TV. Feel free to point out any errors regarding dorms and finals. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Falling deeper into depression and in need of money, Ben Solo calls on an old contact. But there's still a ray of hope that shines and he clings to a future where everything makes sense.

It wasn’t that Ben woke up late, but that he’d lain awake for hours searching for the will to get up. He lay there for a while, listening to music – gloomy songs that were supposed to make him feel more connected to the here and now. They didn’t.

He thumbed through a collection of poetry he left wedged by the side of his bed. Emily Dickinson, _Selected Poems_. That did more for his mood than the music, but that was often the way.

In the end, it was a message from Rey that roused him. Intimate only in its normalcy, a text that she’d be busy all day and out in the evening. She was still thinking of him, even if he felt a thorn in her side.

He sat upright, feeing a dizzy bloom of pain behind his eyes. His mouth was dry and his skin smelt sour and metallic. It took another half hour, but he got himself into the shower. He tried thinking of that last picture Rey had sent him, bare chested and smiling, as he soaped himself. But it didn’t feel right and his body just didn’t want to respond. He wished he hadn’t bothered.

After showering, there was a breakfast he couldn’t finish and more skipped classes. He thought about messaging Rey but decided against it. Instead he sat beneath a beech tree and watched as people passed and birds took cautious flight. Leaves blew past as if from a distance, like watching the world through a screen. It may as well have been.

There wouldn’t be any more warning letters. This time they’d just kick him out of college. Ben wasn’t even sure that he cared. What was he planning on doing with a literature degree anyway? His dad had said there was no money in poetry. He’d been right about that much, but Ben had no idea what he was supposed to do instead. His dad was as good as dead to him and his mother didn’t want anything to do with him. His uncle had been more like a father and he’d been dead a year now. It had been a while since Ben had had any real family. Maybe he never had. There was just Rey. No wonder he’d frightened her, and then everything with Finn. The papers said he’d recovered, but Rey never brought it up again.

Whatever happened with college he’d need money. There’d been a job when he’d been a freshman, but now there was only one way he had left to make money fast. If he was eventually going to turn all this around, he’d need money to get started. Aside from a cheque from his dad he refused to cash, the last of his money had bought a tea last night.

Ben sighed. Really, he didn’t have any other choice. He sent Hux a text and waited for the response.

*

Armitage Hux was as posh as Ben had ever known, from a rich family with papers to prove their money went back centuries. There were still rumours around campus that he’d killed his dad – or hired someone to kill him – to get his inheritance early. Now he ran his own little empire. If you bought drugs within a twenty-mile radius, you were lining Hux’s pockets. Ben had never liked him, but they’d been useful to one another. As soon as Ben saw him now, he regretted reaching out.

Hux wouldn’t come to meet him and he was banned on campus, so Ben had walked, using the half hour to make himself feel more present in his own clothes. It helped a little as he leant against a brick wall and waited. Seeing Hux again made him feel weightless, like he might float away into the air, and then who would pull him back to earth?

Hux looked thin and severe as always, his orange hair combed back and his skin a sickly pale. He wore a shirt and trousers with polished shoes and an overcoat folded over one arm. He was immaculate as Ben remembered, so brazenly himself. If he had any respect for him at all, it was for that.

“You had better be serious this time, Solo,” he said in that clipped voice.

“I am,” Ben replied. “I need the money.”

Hux watched him for a moment like he was being evaluated. “Alright—” he pulled out a small sealed bag “—if you flip these, I’ll have some real work for you.”

Ben accepted the bag. There were a dozen or so round white pills inside. “What are they?”

“I thought you’d recognise painkillers when you saw them.” Hux smiled, thin lipped and reptilian. “Oxycontin. Plenty of demand on campus.”

Ben nodded and pocketed the pills.

“If you needed money quickly, I could use some muscle on a job.”

“No,” Ben said, looking away. “This is enough.”

“Suit yourself.”

Ben remained leant against the wall as Hux left. He’d feel better with money in his pocket, even if it would only keep him going for another month more. On his better days, that felt like opportunity, a foundation to build on. On days like today, it was a dark shroud closing in around him. Maybe he’d just take one of the pills himself, give into numbness. But no, if he hadn’t even taken the antidepressants the doctor had prescribed him, he wouldn’t take these. His counsellor had called him brave for that. Ben didn’t feel brave. In truth, he hadn’t taken them because he’d been scared to.

This was the last time, he decided, pushing off against the wall. And this time, he meant it. He’d sell the pills, take the money and do… something. Turn things around, get back on track. Hold Rey in his arms again.

He sent her a message – good morning and good luck – and headed back for campus, a little surer than when he’d left.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After what was supposed to only be a few drinks with Rose, Rey overdoes it and needs to be escorted home drunk singing and thinking of Ben.

The strawberry margarita was so big it should have had its own orbit.

“That’s obscene,” Rose said, trying to hide a smirk.

“It’s not even the biggest they’ve got,” Rey replied and set the glass down on the table with two hands. The crust of sugar on the rim sparkled in the coloured spotlights. “Sure you don’t want another? I mean we could probably share this.”

“Rey, there’s enough there to share with everyone.” Rose grabbed the wedge of lime from the rim and squeezed it into what remained of her first drink of the evening, a Moscow mule. “I’m good, though. I want a clear head for tomorrow.”

Rey gave her best I’m-here-for-you smile and took a sip of her drink. The sweetness flooded her mouth. “I can still come with, if you want.”

“That’s okay. I sort of just want it to be me and Paige this time. Not that I don’t appreciate your offer.”

“It’s fine. Be with your sister.”

Rose sat and poked at her drink with the straw. There wasn’t any ice left to clink against the glass. “I know it sounds bad, and obviously I want her to wake up, but it’s nice being able to read to her. She never could sit still. Probably why she wanted to be in the Air Force in the first place.”

Rey let Rose talk, even if it did look like she was talking more to her glass than to her. God knows, Rose had been there for her over the last year with everything going wrong with Ben, and Finn in hospital. And then Paige’s accident. Well, the least Rey could do was be there for her friend.

“I’ve almost finished with Narnia,” Rose said. “Paige loved those stories when we were kids. She wasn’t much of a reader, so I don’t really know what to start next.”

“Our textbooks are off the table I take it?”

Rose grinned. “She’d probably like those actually. Anything to do with planes. But no, I want something to remind her of home, help her find her way back. What was your favourite book as a kid?”

Rey had finished half her margarita without even realising. Sweetness really was her weakness. By now the bar had fuzzy edges and everything looked a little more pastel. Rose’s question. Right, Rey’s favourite childhood book. Was there one? Peter Rabbit in the care home, maybe, but she couldn’t see Rose wanting to read that to her sister. There was one book, though, they’d had to study before she’d moved to the US.

“Pride and Prejudice,” she blurted it out like a confession. That sounded a lot like drunk Rey.

“Austen, seriously?”

“What, it’s romantic.”

“I just didn’t think you really did romantic-romantic. You know?”

“I can do be romantic.” She tutted. “_Be romantic_.”

Rose smiled, but this time it looked painted on. She sipped at her drink which must have been room temperature by now. Her hand was cool, though, when Rey took it in hers.

“Anyone here catch your eye?” she asked.

Rose looked around the room but when she put a hand across her brow like she was on safari, it was obvious she was taking the piss. “I’m good. Sworn off love for life. Well, for a while.”

Rey raised her glass. “I’ll drink to that.”

“Liar.” Rose sounded pretty serious about that, so Rey let it be.

“We should dance,” she said after a while.

“You haven’t finished your drink yet.”

With an eyebrow raised, Rey grabbed the glass and downed it. She was only almost sick once.

Rose looked at her with a mix of awe and disappointment on her face. A classic Rose expression if ever Rey had seen one. “Well okay,” she said and held out her hand.

Rey grabbed it and headed off for the dancefloor. She didn’t recognise the song, she’d been too busy or broke lately to recognise many songs, but there was a beat and she felt good. Right now, that was all that mattered.

*

“No, no, no, Rey. You can’t pee there,” Rose said, grabbing her friend by the shoulders and leading her away from the doorway.

“But I need to pee pee,” Rey said, though slurred was probably a better fit. She always got like this when she had five drinks too many, like a five-foot baby.

Not for the first time, Rose helped Rey back to their room. It would have been easier to get an Uber or the bus at least, but there were two problems with that. First, Rey had spent all their money for the evening on margaritas and then a bunch of cocktails Rose had never even heard of. Second, well, Rey tried to kiss or fight anyone she came across when she was this drunk, so that meant buses were a big no.

Oh, she was singing now. Sounded like Kiss, but, honestly, it could have been anything. At least she wasn’t trying to pee against a door again.

She didn’t weigh much, so Rose was temped to just pick her up and carry her back to campus. But then what if she threw up all over her yellow jacket. Paige had bought her that for her twenty-first. Probably better just to lead her home like all the other times before.

“Ben thah… the tuuu of usss need like… need look like… look no mooore,” Rey sang in between belches. She jumped about in the song and for two minutes straight just kept repeating “A friend like Ben” over and over.

“No, we don’t need a friend like Ben, thank you,” Rose said, urging Rey forward.

“But he’s my Ben. Friend like Ben-Ben.”

“Some friend.” Rose said it quiet enough so that Rey didn’t hear it. Even if she had, she probably wouldn’t have realised, or remembered in the morning.

There was no escaping it. Rey really did seem like she was getting back with Ben goddamn Solo again, bit by bit. After everything he’d done. Putting his dad in the hospital wasn’t enough, no, he had to go and beat Finn to within an inch of his life.

“Rey, this way. No, don’t take off your shoes again.”

Still, Ben was Rey’s mistake to make, but it felt like she was dragging everyone else into their drama again. Ben was like a storm that everyone else got caught in.

Finally, Rose got Rey back to their dorm. After helping her pee and then puke – twice – she got her changed and into bed.

“Nighty nighty night,” Rey said. She leant up and kissed Rose on the lips.

“Okay, that just happened. Well, goodnight Rey. There’s a bucket here, by the bed, see, if you need it.”

Rey nodded but her eyes were already closed. Rose wondered if she should put her in recovery position just to be on the safe side.

“He’s really trying,” Rey said, quite like a whisper. 

Rose didn’t have a response to that, but Rey didn’t say anything else and was already drooling by the time Rose had put her own pyjamas on.

“Night, Rey,” she said. Before she turned off the lamp, she kissed the silver half-moon pendant she wore around her neck, the half she’d kept when she’d given the other to Paige.

As she drifted off to sleep, jolted occasionally by a murmur or snort from Rey, Rose thought about what came next. An engineering job, her own place, a real income. Where was Rey in all that? How did Rose fit into her life with Ben Solo back on the scene? She didn’t have any answers, and there were none waiting for her in the morning.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben Solo gets picked up by the cops, but when his bail is set, he doesn't have anyone to call. So who does he call?

The cops picked him up a little after nine following a tip off from campus security. Ben didn’t run when he saw seen the blue lights flash and heard the sirens scream. The buyer hadn’t stayed, she’d taken off with the coke.

They loaded Ben into the back of the cruiser, processed him down at the station and set his bail. It wasn’t massively expensive, but more than he could afford. When they’d offered his phone call, it was Rey he’d first thought of. If he had called her, it would only seem like he hadn’t changed at all. Worse, Rey had never known about the drugs, knew nothing of Hux. Besides, what did he expect, that she’d drop whatever she as doing and drive from wherever she was living? Then there was Hux himself. Rich as he was, he’d never pay Ben’s bail.

There was one other person who might pay. It was a long shot, but it was the only choice he had.

He keyed the number in wrong at first and had to say it under his breath the second time to be certain. He listened to the dial tone and dug his thumbnail into the metal telephone cord.

“Hello?” Her voice was rougher round the edges, but it was her.

“Mum,” Ben said. “It’s me.”

There was a pause, so long Ben thought the line had cut out. “It’s late.”

“I know. I didn’t have anyone else to call.”

“You’re in trouble?” She always knew what was going on with him. Always.

“Yes.” His voice was wavering and his eyes stung.

A long exhale. “Where are you? I’ll come get you.”

Ben cleared his throat and told her. Leia said she’d be there within the hour. As Ben hung up, he leant against the payphone. He didn’t know if wanted to tear it off the wall or cry into the crook of his arm. Neither, as it happened, as an officer took him back to the cell where he waited for his mother to turn up.

*

They hadn’t talked about it. Ben had got in the passenger seat beside his mother and she’d driven them away from the station. By the time they were on the freeway, he realised they were headed home. His old home.

Leia had paid his bail, collected him and driven twenty minutes without so much as two words to him. That was fair, Ben deserved worse. He’d half expected to tell him that was where he belonged.

The rest of the journey passed in silence as Ben studied the shapes of distant trees silhouetted against the bruised purple sky. When they turned off the main road and onto the farm, Leia parked and turned off the engine. The dark closed in around them and slowly Ben’s eyes adjusted until he saw his mum angled in her seat towards him.

“Why did you do it?” she asked after a while.

Ben hesitated, but what good was that now? “I needed the money.”

“I’m not talking about the drugs,” Leia said. “You could have killed your father.”

A cold front rushed up Ben’s stomach and gripped at this chest. It was a conversation he’d imagined having a dozen different times and now it was happening he didn’t know how to answer.

“I don’t know,” he said, looking down at his hands half hidden in the gloom.

“You need to do better than that.”

Ben tried to find the right words, but it always sounded a mess when he spoke. Nothing came out the way he wanted. It was only when he wrote that he could truly express what he meant.

“One night.” Leia pulled the keys out of the ignition.

Ben followed her inside. It was dark but that didn’t matter. He knew his way around by feel and found his old room at the top of the stairs.

He’d expected it to look different from when he’d walked out at sixteen. When he switched the light on, everything was the same, even down to the poems pinned to the walls and those stupid swords he always bought on holidays.

“Your father always thought you’d come home.”

Ben turned and found Leia behind him, a glass of water in one hand and what looked like leftovers in the other. She handed both over.

“We both did.”

*

It wasn’t an easy night’s sleep, but there’d been plenty worse. Leia woke early as always, did her morning yoga before breakfast and put the coffee on.

There was no sign of Ben. It he’d eaten breakfast, he’d already cleaned up after himself. Part of her wished he’d stayed. She still needed an answer to help make sense of everything. Mostly, she wanted her son back.

After breakfast, she showered and dressed and pinned her hair into place. As she passed Ben’s room, she stopped. The door was ajar and when she walked inside, there was a sheet of paper on the bed. It was just like Ben to vanish with only a note show for it. Leia sighed and began to read:

_Mum, _

_Firstly, I’m so grateful that you came and paid my bail. I’ll pay it all back when I can, I promise. Right now, I can offer something else. An answer. _

_I’ve already tried writing this four times tonight, so I’ll be as honest and to the point as I can be. _

_Dad came to see me after I wrecked my old dorm room. He said it was all his fault, that he was a bad father, and he couldn’t blame me that I was angry and acting out. He thought it was all about him and when he said he was going to pull me out of college and bring me home, I just snapped. I shouted at him and all he did was try and hug me. I couldn’t take it. I shoved him, but he just tried it again. So I hit him and he wouldn’t fight back. I wish I stopped before it got so bad, but I couldn’t. I can’t explain it, it’s as if someone else was in control. _

_I don’t know if that’s what you expected, or if it’s the answer you wanted, but you deserve an explanation. _

_You might not be able to believe this, especially after last night, but I’m trying to sort things out. I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to hear from me again, but my number is still the same. _

_Look after yourself._

_Your son, Ben. _

Leia folded the letter carefully, put it in her jewellery box, and hesitated only a moment before she called Han.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After finishing college, Rey and Rose are searching for an apartment. The trouble is, all Rey can focus on is Ben and those dirty late night Skype calls.

“What about this one?” Rose asked, passing her the tablet.

Rey glanced over the screen and tapped through the images. Two bedrooms, a lounge and kitchen-diner. Room for Rose’s bike and built-in storage besides. The rent wasn’t bad either once they’d split it in half.

“It’s okay,” Rey said in the sort of tone that usually accompanied a shrug.

“I’ll give them a call.” Rose took back the tablet.

“Sure thing.”

“Rey, your hair’s on fire.”

She looked up. “What’s that?”

“You’re not really into this, are you?”

Rey put down the magazine she’d been thumbing through, one of the gossip rags Rose’s mum liked to buy. “I don’t like not being able to pull my own weight.”

“I already told you, I’ll cover your share—”

“Until I get a job, I know.” Rey sighed and smoothed out the magazine page. “You might be waiting a while by the looks of things.”

Rose had her phone out and was tapping in the estate agent’s number. “Something will come along.”

“Says you,” Rey said. “You make getting a grad job look easy.”

“I got lucky. Oh yes, hello, I’m calling about one of your properties…”

Rey tuned her out as she focused on the crossword puzzle at the back of the magazine. She didn’t know any of the answers so imagined words that might fit and questions to go along with them. Seven letters – another word for trouble.

For the last few weeks, she’d been staying with Rose and her mum while they tried to find their own place. With Rose starting her new job soon, it would be easier to put a deposit down. Rey would have to keep looking, but at this rate she’d have to waitress or work the tills at some shop. Some mornings she just wanted to stay under the covers but what had that ever accomplished? 

At least she looked forward to her Skype calls with Ben. She hadn’t been sure at first, but she liked seeing him again, even through a screen. They’d made it to three calls without them turning dirty. After that, well, talking about their days hadn’t been top of the agenda. 

“Okay,” Rose said, setting her phone down. “We’ve got a viewing tomorrow at eleven. I’ll see if I can squeeze in a couple more but, to be honest, I’ve got my heart set on this one. How’s your job search going?” 

Oh yeah, that’s what she was supposed to be doing.

*

Rey held her phone at arm’s length and cupped her breast with her free hand. Ben watched her, all dark and brooding and beautiful, with his hand moving below the camera’s reach. She bit her lip, pinched a nipple and imagined his hands on her body. Only at the very back of her mind did she think of those hands as fists, the knuckles split. She buried those thoughts deeper.

As she tilted the phone to give him a better look, Rey ran her hand across her stomach and under the covers.

“I’m already so wet,” she said. Any earlier and it would have sounded stupid. Well, it did sound stupid, but they were both in on the joke and the punchline was pretty hot.

“Show me.” Even through the phone, Ben’s voice was quiet and deep, like a shout echoed out into a whisper.

“You first.” She fluttered her eyelids for good measure and gave him a sly smile, all at the corners of her lips.

Ben smiled too, from what she could see of his face under the thick black tangles of his hair. He pivoted his phone and as the light adjusted and the screen bloomed, Rey could see his dick. He worked his hand up and down and the dark hair looked like shadow.

“Now you,” he said in a breathy whisper.

A knot tugged in her belly that made her twitch in the best way. She licked her lips and pushed back the covers. Before she’d let him get a good look, she wanted to tease him. Slowly as she could, Rey pointed the camera down until Ben would be able to see her middle finger gently rubbing.

She had her arm out again, letting him see all of her as she rubbed harder. Her breath was getting heavy now. Ben looked like he was sweating and giving those grunts that made Rey quiver.

A knock at the door. Two seconds. The door opened.

“Rey, can I borrow—” 

“Rose!” Rey pulled the covers up to her chin, killed the Skype call and stuffed the phone under her pillow.

“I, um…” She shut the door.

Rey let out a breath she didn’t realise she’d been holding and fanned her face, trying to cool off all the blood that had rushed there. She and Rose had seen each other naked plenty of times before, but this was different. After texting Ben an explanation, she pulled on her pyjamas and went to go see whatever it was Rose had wanted.

She was in the bathroom when Rey found her.

“So, yeah, sorry,” she said, looking anywhere but at Rey.

“What’s up?”

“I just wanted to borrow your face scrub.” Rose hung her head like a kid who’d just been caught out doing something they shouldn’t. “I’m all out.”

“Yeah, that’s fine.” Rey laughed. “Christ, Rose, you almost gave me a heart attack.”

“I just didn’t realise you were, you know…”

“Oh, like you never have when you thought I was asleep.”

“No, never,” Rose said, far too quickly Rey thought.

“Seriously?”

Rose turned to the sink and plucked the face scrub off the shelf. “Not in the bedroom.”

“Didn’t catch that.”

“I did it in the shower. Happy now?”

“Ecstatic,” Rey said and grabbed her toothbrush.

After Rey had brushed her teeth and Rose’s face was well and truly scrubbed, they lingered in the space between their rooms, or at least Rose’s childhood room and the spare one Rey was staying in.

“Seriously, I’m really sorry,” Rose said. “I didn’t even know you watched porn.”

“Porn?” Rey said. “Oh right, yeah.” Rose liked to pretend that she and Ben weren’t, well dating wasn’t the right word, but whatever they were. Rey didn’t feel like correcting her. “You don’t?”

Rose actually blushed. “Too weird,” she said. “Night.”

When Rey got back into bed and checked her phone, there was a video of Ben finishing himself off. It would have been rude to not return the favour.

*

Now that she was here in person, Rey had to admit, the apartment was pretty perfect. She stood in a room with a window overlooking the road. She’d already staked her claim and rather than arguing Rose had only smiled.

With only Rose working, it was going to be tough for a while. They could just about cover rent, but Rose’s parents would chip in for the rest. Rey didn’t have that luxury; she’d need to work to pull her weight and fast if they wanted to do anything other than just about manage.

Moving from her room into Rose’s, she knew it would be worth the struggle. The estate agent lingered there looking awkward and fielding all the questions Rose had about utilities and security. Rey left them to it.

In the lounge area, right where a sofa would go, she took a selfie and sent it to Ben. When he texted that he should come and see her, Rey responded that he should. So she was really doing this, moving into her own place, getting a real job and getting back together with Ben Solo. She wasn’t sure which frightened or thrilled her more.


End file.
